“When you long with all your heart for someone to love you, a madness grows there and shakes all sense from the trees and the water and the earth. And no thing lives for you, except the long deep bitter want. And this is what everyone feels from birth to death.”—Denton Welch
I’m back. And back in the Red Booth. It’s been 18 days since my last confession, which means 18 days since I accidentally DELETED my Tumblr account, unintentionally killing my 2 year old virtual baby, Fresh Gypsy.
Holy uggghhh … But here I am!
I admit that over the last 18 days I’ve felt a bit dazed and confused. I admit that I have not been writing because I caught a bad case of internet laryngitis due to shock. I admit that I’ve been spending a lot of time at the intersection of Anxiety and Vulnerability. I admit that I considered throwing in the towel. I admit that I shed a few tears. I admit that f-bombs come more naturally to me than tears, and I admit those f-bombs came in plenty.
I admit that I probably drank more than my fair share of vodka, but seriously… Oh, well!
On the flip side, I also admit that this data loss inspired some overall life analysis that has been very therapeutic. I admit that questions have bubbled about technology, about my artistic spirit, about ‘purpose’, about sharing, about giving and of course…. about letting go.
I admit that, once again, I noticed a familiar face named CHANGE.
Change, change, change… dear souls… if you ever consider ONE thing I write, please let it be that LIFE = CHANGE.
Shit changes. It just does. One way or another, hardly anything ever stays the same. We are not constant. The Universe is not static. Even if it is minute, at the very least, it, whatever IT may be, will probably change.
You will change.
Your body will change.
Who your body gravitates towards will change.
He will change. She will change.
What you are willing to put up with WILL change.
The furniture will change. The color palate will change. The landscape will change.
(If it doesn’t, your perspective will certainly change.)
Your bank balance will change. Your clothing will change. Your clothing size will change.
Whether you ‘work’, what you do and how you get there will change.
Your favorite music will change. (If it doesn’t, everyone else’s will change).
Not only will your taste buds change, but who is present at the table for Sunday dinner (I hate to say it) … will change.
This can be a dismal series of thoughts if you approach it all at once - but as a very wise man once said to me (Hey, Ken! ;) …
"Do you know how to eat an elephant???…
ONE BITE AT A TIME.”
I am not in the practice of eating elephants, and neither is he - but at the time he shared this with me, my dad had just been found dead AND it was less than 2 months after my mom was killed by some wild beastly animal. Needless to say - I was veryOPEN to any way that I could get up off the floor and wrap my head around CHANGE.
I admit that over the last 18 days, I opted to get up and breathe a little life back into Fresh Gypsy each day … I guess because I am grateful for the opportunity that I could. I can’t hear my Mom’s voice, but you can still hear mine! (ha, luckyyou.)
This is where I have to admit that I believe that there always IS a silver lining IF you WANT there to be.
Did you hear that… IF? And IS?
The silverlining IS a CHOICE.
It can be intimidating to say that there is any sort of “good” thing that has come from my parents deaths, BUT the reality is that it was a change that I can NOT change. I have had to roll with it or else waste the life that they gave to me. So what I also admit is that, in this case, the tragedies that I have personally encountered in my ‘real’ life gave me a back bone to be able to deal with my Tumblr ‘death’.
I remember looking at my Bestie (Hi Sasha!) about 6 months after losing my Mom and saying, “Well honey … NO man will ever be able to break my heart that bad after this shit!" And let me tell you, that is still ringing true, in this very moment, today.
I lost my blog. It had a pulse, not a heart beat and I’ve had to keep it in perspective. Fresh Gypsy 1.0 bit the dust, boo-hoo. I’m not sure what the future holds for FG 2.0, but I’m still here and very grateful to the many loyal Tumblr lovelies who have extended their support and encouragement to me behind the scenes. THANK YOU!
I realize, that this calls for an introduction, of types, as this Phoenix rises … to the newest members of my audience - WELCOME! Also, just a heads up that I do WRITE from time to time - so YES darlings, you may see a few WORDS cross your dash. Feel free to skip over them if you are not into reading… honesty (from my perspective)… a few swear words or the desire to keep learning stuff in life beyond your ‘education’.
I personally find the need to push myself into e-v-o-l-v-i-n-g but I understand if that is not your tour.
I would admit that I’d like to say something cheesy like “I’m back beeeatches” if it weren’t so hokey and I had actually ever gone anywhere - but really, I just changed form.
I will close this confession in the closest form of SURRENDER that I can muster right now - by echoing the words of my amazing girlfriend, E. Lodge, who will say to me soon …
"Gee, Fresh Gypsy… I wonder why you manifested THAT ?!?!”
“People who love through their unevolved solar plexus center may try to control you. They may use anger, disappointment, guilt, judgment, coldness, indifference, or criticism to get you to do what they want. Or, they may try to control you by withdrawing their love. You may find it challenging to follow your own path instead of doing what someone else wants you to do. You may be so compassionate and loving that you want to please others by fulfilling their wishes. Extend this wonderful compassion to yourself. Your well-being and your life are more important than making other people’s personalities feel good.”—