“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I’m back. And back in the Red Booth. It’s been 18 days since my last confession, which means 18 days since I accidentally DELETED my Tumblr account, unintentionally killing my 2 year old virtual baby, Fresh Gypsy.
Holy uggghhh … But here I am!
I admit that over the last 18 days I’ve felt a bit dazed and confused. I admit that I have not been writing because I caught a bad case of internet laryngitis due to shock. I admit that I’ve been spending a lot of time at the intersection of Anxiety and Vulnerability. I admit that I considered throwing in the towel. I admit that I shed a few tears. I admit that f-bombs come more naturally to me than tears, and I admit those f-bombs came in plenty.
I admit that I probably drank more than my fair share of vodka, but seriously… Oh, well!
On the flip side, I also admit that this data loss inspired some overall life analysis that has been very therapeutic. I admit that questions have bubbled about technology, about my artistic spirit, about ‘purpose’, about sharing, about giving and of course…. about letting go.
I admit that, once again, I noticed a familiar face named CHANGE.
Change, change, change… dear souls… if you ever consider ONE thing I write, please let it be that LIFE = CHANGE.
Shit changes. It just does. One way or another, hardly anything ever stays the same. We are not constant. The Universe is not static. Even if it is minute, at the very least, it, whatever IT may be, will probably change.
You will change.
Your body will change.
Who your body gravitates towards will change.
He will change. She will change.
What you are willing to put up with WILL change.
The furniture will change. The color palate will change. The landscape will change.
(If it doesn’t, your perspective will certainly change.)
Your bank balance will change. Your clothing will change. Your clothing size will change.
Whether you ‘work’, what you do and how you get there will change.
Your favorite music will change. (If it doesn’t, everyone else’s will change).
Not only will your taste buds change, but who is present at the table for Sunday dinner (I hate to say it) … will change.
This can be a dismal series of thoughts if you approach it all at once - but as a very wise man once said to me (Hey, Ken! ;) …
“Do you know how to eat an elephant???…
ONE BITE AT A TIME.”
I am not in the practice of eating elephants, and neither is he - but at the time he shared this with me, my dad had just been found dead AND it was less than 2 months after my mom was killed by some wild beastly animal. Needless to say - I was very OPEN to any way that I could get up off the floor and wrap my head around CHANGE.
I admit that over the last 18 days, I opted to get up and breathe a little life back into Fresh Gypsy each day … I guess because I am grateful for the opportunity that I could. I can’t hear my Mom’s voice, but you can still hear mine! (ha, lucky you.)
This is where I have to admit that I believe that there always IS a silver lining IF you WANT there to be.
Did you hear that… IF? And IS?
The silver lining IS a CHOICE.
It can be intimidating to say that there is any sort of “good” thing that has come from my parents deaths, BUT the reality is that it was a change that I can NOT change. I have had to roll with it or else waste the life that they gave to me. So what I also admit is that, in this case, the tragedies that I have personally encountered in my ‘real’ life gave me a back bone to be able to deal with my Tumblr ‘death’.
I remember looking at my Bestie (Hi Sasha!) about 6 months after losing my Mom and saying, “Well honey … NO man will ever be able to break my heart that bad after this shit!” And let me tell you, that is still ringing true, in this very moment, today.
I lost my blog. It had a pulse, not a heart beat and I’ve had to keep it in perspective. Fresh Gypsy 1.0 bit the dust, boo-hoo. I’m not sure what the future holds for FG 2.0, but I’m still here and very grateful to the many loyal Tumblr lovelies who have extended their support and encouragement to me behind the scenes. THANK YOU!
I realize, that this calls for an introduction, of types, as this Phoenix rises … to the newest members of my audience - WELCOME! Also, just a heads up that I do WRITE from time to time - so YES darlings, you may see a few WORDS cross your dash. Feel free to skip over them if you are not into reading… honesty (from my perspective)… a few swear words or the desire to keep learning stuff in life beyond your ‘education’.
I personally find the need to push myself into e-v-o-l-v-i-n-g but I understand if that is not your tour.
I would admit that I’d like to say something cheesy like “I’m back beeeatches” if it weren’t so hokey and I had actually ever gone anywhere - but really, I just changed form.
I will close this confession in the closest form of SURRENDER that I can muster right now - by echoing the words of my amazing girlfriend, E. Lodge, who will say to me soon …
“Gee, Fresh Gypsy… I wonder why you manifested THAT ?!?!”